It happens.

You’re out at a lovely social occasion, enjoying simple chit-chat with friends and minding your own damn business when some busybody swoops in like a vulture on speed.

“So when are you two having kids?”

*cue eye roll and audible groan*

Congrats! You’ve just been bingo-ed! Breeder Bingo is a delightful game of chance where you must fend off rude, intrusive and sometimes bizarre statements concerning your child-free status. And when I say delightful, I mean equally delightful as gouging your eyes out with a spoon. FUN!

So there are two ways to deal with these kinds of people. Be polite and humorous (this is best if the person is elderly and you risk giving them a heart attack with your witty repartee. Or your boss. You’ve been warned). Or if it’s someone you genuinely give zero fucks about insulting (such as a total stranger or a persistently nosey relative), then you can unleash your Badass self on their sorry asses. But it’s ok. They deserve it for being jerks #sorrynotsorry

Listed below are the most common Bingos and two ways to handle them, depending on your level of saltiness on the day!

“So when are you two going to have babies?”
The polite/humorous response: “Oh, we haven’t decided on that. My, aren’t these canapes delightful?”
The badass response: “When was the last time you gave your husband a blow job?” [wait for them to choke on their food] “Oh sorry, I thought we were asking intimate questions about each other’s sex lives.” [glare at them with a raised eyebrow]

“But you’d be such a great mother!”
The polite/humorous response: “Yeah, maybe. I also figure I’d be a kickass assassin/ pole dancer/ [inset socially inappropriate vocation/hobby in here], but I guess I chose a different path. Shame, huh?”
The badass response: “Nah. I like drinking whisky and kinky sex too much.”

“What if you regret it later?”
The polite/humorous response: “Then I fulfil my life’s dream of owning a hundred acre dog rescue centre. I think that should fill the gaping hole adequately.”
The badass response: “I suppose there is a strong chance I could regret having children too. Tell me, what’s your opinion on that?”

“You’ll change your mind.”
The polite/humorous response: “How has the medicine study been going?” [cue puzzled looks] “You never know, you might want to be a doctor someday. You might change your mind.” [wait for the mic drop moment]
[or, if the person in question has a kid] “Have you?”
The badass response: “Aaaannnnd if I have the kid THEN change my mind, what then? Are you going to swoop in and adopt it?”
[or if the person in question has a kid] “You’ll change your mind before I do.”

“Your kid could be the Magical Chosen One to cure cancer/ end poverty/ insert noble goal here.”
The polite/humorous response: “Or I could be the one to cure cancer. Who knows! I’ve been thinking about applying myself in the field of medicine/ social development etc. Without a child, I’d actually have the time to do it!”
The badass response: “And they could be the greatest serial killer the world has ever seen. We’ll never know!”

“What if your parents didn’t have kids?”
The polite/humorous response: [give them puzzled look, like they’re 10 shades of crazy] “Well then I wouldn’t be here…duh.”
The badass response: “Well then I wouldn’t be here having the pleasure of this awkward as fuck conversation with you. Shame.”

“It’s all worth it.”
The polite/humorous response: “So is a lifetime of travel, fulfilling relations with my significant other, and career fulfilment. But, you know, everyone’s different.”
The badass response: “Sure, I haven’t heard one story about the pain of birthing, the desperate lack of sleep, the broken relationships after children, and the monotony of child rearing that makes me think anything otherwise. Oh wait…”

“Who will carry on your family name/ don’t you want someone that looks just like you?”
The polite/humorous response: “I don’t really need to bring a child in the world to fulfil some weird ego-driven need to have a mini me.”
The badass response: “Well that’s fucking selfish/ narcissistic.”

“Who will take care of you when you’re older?”
The polite/humorous response: “Well, if we consider the fact that each child costs about a third of a million dollars over their lifetime, and also the fact that there is no guarantee that your children will care for you or even like you when you’re older, I figure I can comfortably retire in a resort in the Maldives for the rest of my days.”
The badass response: [if this question comes from one of your parents] “Well I’m sending you straight to a nursing home, so there goes your theory.”
[anyone else] “My dozens of male strippers that I pay with all of my drug dealing money.”

“That’s selfish.”
The polite/humorous response: “And why did you have children?” [watch them crumble and burn when they can’t explain why they had children without starting with “I wanted…”] “Well that sounds pretty damn selfish to me.”
The badass response: “Fuck you. Fuck the horse you rode in on. Fuck off, then fuck right off again. ”

“You don’t know real love until you’ve had a child.”
The polite/humorous response: “I’m not sure how you mistook extreme fatigue and endless cleaning of poop and puke as ‘real love’…”
The badass response: “And I guess you won’t know real freedom from responsibility, real immersive travel experiences, or real uninterrupted relations with your significant other ever again, hey?”

“So, you hate kids?”
The polite/humorous response: “Oh wow, did I say that? What I meant to say was I DON’T WANT TO HAVE KIDS” (make sure you shout this part as if they have a hearing impairment) “It’s a different thing.”
The badass response: “Yup.” [end of discussion]

“That biological clock is ticking!”
The polite/humorous response: “And so is my watch, I’m sure I’ve got somewhere else I need to be…”
The badass response: “Why are you so interested in my sex life? That’s some messed up shit.”

“What’s the point of being married if you’re not going to have kids?”
The polite/humorous response: “What’s the point of breathing if you’re not going to be a deep sea diver/ opera singer/ fire breather? That’s about how connected those things are.”
The badass response: “Well shit, I’d better go ask for a divorce then. HONEY? (shout to your significant other, hopefully across the room, as loud as you possibly can) THIS PERSON SAYS WE SHOULD GET A DIVORCE BECAUSE WE’RE NOT HAVING KIDS.”

“It’s different when it’s your own”
The polite/humorous response: “Well, I thought this conversation would go down a less judgemental path, but here we are.”
The badass response: “I dunno, I seem to see a lot of shitty parents with shitty kids around with too much attitude. You’d know what that feels like, amiright?”

“Don’t you want a family?”
The polite/humorous response: “I have one. I didn’t realise that not procreating means I’ve been disowned by my parents or divorced from my partner.”
The badass response: “Don’t you want to live? Then stop asking such fucking dumb and invasive questions.”

“The human race would die out if everyone did the same!”

The polite/humorous response: “Well statistically speaking, we’re already at triple the population that the Earth can sustainably handle, so it wouldn’t be so bad if we had more people make the decision not to have children. In fact studies show that the entire Earth’s population stopped having children today, our global numbers would drop to 3 billion by 2100. And in fact…” [bring up a thousand other studies, real or faked, to back up your story. They’ll get so bored they won’t ask again]
Or, if you’re not adept at remembering statistics: “Dude, the zombie apocalypse is is gonna wipe us out WAY before that ever happens!” [laugh uproariously as if their concept is fundamentally flawed. Which it is.]

The badass response: [grab them roughly by the shoulders, shaking them hard] “Well FUCK! There’s no time! You have to go make more babies!! [when they protest or laugh awkwardly, keep it up] “I’m serious!! The human race is in dire jeopardy! Take your missus/man and GO GET IT ON NOW! We are all relying on you to continue repopulating the Earth!” [don’t give up the ghost until they’ve moved away from you]

Don’t let the breeders get you down!

GUEST POST by Nicole Denny

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